THANK YOU!!! I hope it works.

Style is never out of fashion.

male
ilovetrees | 8 Aug 2007 - 11:23am

Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

~~~~~~~~~

Moods of a Man

Horny.

"Do or do not - there is no try!" - Yoda

10 Commandments

Commandment 1: Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2: If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3: Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.

Commandment 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something she said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finishes.

Commandment 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9: Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That's why the wife treats the husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10: A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished...

Amen!!!

*****************************
A closed mouth gathers no foot

shy guy | 9 Aug 2007 - 11:28am

New Baby

It was late at night, and Beth, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3-year-old daughter, Katie. When Beth started to go into labor, she called 911.
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katie to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katie did as she was asked. Beth pushed and pushed, and after a little while Josh was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Josh began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katie for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katie quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."

"Do or do not - there is no try!" - Yoda

shy guy | 9 Aug 2007 - 11:25am

Explaining Condoms

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March."

"Do or do not - there is no try!" - Yoda

Post by lilmizzbunski!

Birds and the bees explained

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"

The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

"Do or do not - there is no try!" - Yoda

*Polonaise passing through and moving to the community channel*

Style is never out of fashion.

Posted by:

NAK | 24 Aug 2007 - 11:21am

tenderness: it's when a mother kills her husband with a knife instead of a gun so she won't wake her kids up

marriage: the most costing system in the world to wash your clothes for free

you: oppisote of me

traditions: opinions that the dead force the living to do

"Do or do not - there is no try!" - Yoda

post by:female
missis | 30 Aug 2007 - 2:07pm

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to
get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt
them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

*****************************
A closed mouth gathers no foot

post by:micha65 | 30 August 2007 - 2:47pm

*****************************
A closed mouth gathers no foot

well might as well post some jokes see how it going to work on here

Anniversary
John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a, "No thanks."

Frustrated he finally asks, "Well what would you like for your anniversary?"

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

John thinks for a moment and replies "Sorry dear, I wasn't planning to spend that much."

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM TIBET
WHO COULDN'T FIND A CIGARRETT
SO HE SMOKED ALL HIS SOCKS
AND GOT CHICKEN-POCKS
AND HAD TO GO TO THE VET

Best excuse for speeding
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "They'll never catch me, " he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!" he said.

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop, " the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night, " said the officer.

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM TIBET
WHO COULDN'T FIND A CIGARRETT
SO HE SMOKED ALL HIS SOCKS
AND GOT CHICKEN-POCKS
AND HAD TO GO TO THE VET

I'll give you a LOL for both jokes shy guy
Keep posting them!!!!

*****************************
A closed mouth gathers no foot

A joke for shy guy (only joking )

A man goes to prison… five years for armed robbery – his first offense, he is set to work making the traditional mail bags. There is a strict no speaking policy in the work room, and the cons had been working for half hour when one of them calls out “Seven!” Everyone chuckles.

Another twenty minutes, and another lag calls “Fifteen!” The guards smirk, and the prisoners roar with laughter.

A further fifteen minutes, and a third sings out “”Twenty two!” Everyone laughing hysterically except the new prisoner who is a little bemused. During the tea break, and talking then allowed he asks the con he worked with what the meaning was, someone call out a number and they all laugh.

“Well,” he was told, “As we can’t talk we have a list of 100 jokes, everyone knows them, we remember the joke from the number called, and everyone laughs.”

They return to work, and the new guy thinks, easy enough he would try one, so he calls out “Four.” The prisoners look one to another, but no one laughs. He tries again “Twenty seven.” Not so much as a snigger. After a while he tries again, “Seventeen.” Still nothing. He leans across and whispers to his work colleague, “What’s happened? Why does no one laugh?”

The other whispers back, “It’s not so much the joke, it’s the way it's told that makes us laugh.”

I am the Cat which battled heroically on the night when the enemies of the Setting Sun were overwhelmed. And who is this Cat? This Cat is the Sun-God Ra himself... Book of the Dead

@lokinvars joke!!! VERY FUNNY!

*****************************
A closed mouth gathers no foot

A university student delivered a pizza to a man's house.

"I suppose you want a tip?" the man asked.

"That would be great," the student said, "but the other guy who does deliveries told me not to expect too much - he said if I got a dollar, I'd be lucky."

The man looked hurt and said : "Well , to rpove him wrong, here's $5. What are you studying?"

"Applied psychology,? the student replied.

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose - Jim Eillot

A guy arived to pick up his date for the evening. Waiting for her in the living room with her parents, he had a bad case of gas and really needed to fart. Then, the family dog jumped up on the couch next to him and he decided that he could fart and blame the dog. So he farted, and his date yelled from her room, "Spot, get down from there." Pleased that his ploy worked, he farted more freely. Again, the woman yelled for the dog to get down. he farted a whole lot more, and finally, the woman yelled, "Dammit, Spot, get down before he shits on you. "

Two guys are talking about their boss' upcoming wedding.

One says : " Its ridiculous. He's rich, but 93 years old, and she just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says:" Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first guy asks" " What's a fotball wedding?"

The otehr replies: "She's waiting for him to kick off."

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose - Jim Eillot

Here is one from my collection:

After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, Mike, died suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn. Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's ashes into a small dish on the coffee table.
"Mike, my beloved," she began, "I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is, Mike. Do you like it?
"And, Mike," she continued, "do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like it?”
"Well," Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes into the air, "here's that blow job I was promising you."

This is an oldie.

A farmer was having problems with beavers in his fields. They were damming up the creeks around them and his field were becoming flooded. When talking to his neighbour, he suggested that the farmer get a can of white paint and sit at the beaver hole entrances and when a beaver would pop out take the paintbrush and give them a big swipe on the head.
He thought this was weird, but at this point would try anything. He did this for two days and the third day noticed that there was no more dams being built and the creeks were returning to normal.
A week later he seen his neighbour again and asked him, why did this paint trick work.
His neighbour said, "Well when all the beavers looked at each other and seen all the white hardhats, nobody worked.

This is one for all you foremen out there.

Hugs are not measured in quantity, they are measured by the quality of love they are given with.....

that was good...here's one!!!

BEAUTIFUL

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"

"Do or do not - there is no try!" - Yoda

Ahhh sweet little Johnny

Hugs are not measured in quantity, they are measured by the quality of love they are given with.....

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

# At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
# Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
# Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
# Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “in”.
# Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
# In the memo field of all your cheques, write “for smuggling diamonds”.
# Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy”.
# Don t use any punctuation.
# As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
# Order a diet water with a serious face whenever you go out to eat.
# Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
# Sing along at the opera.
# Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
# Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
# Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
# Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
# When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I won! I won!”
# When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!!”
# Tell your children over dinner: “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go”.

♥´¯`♥In Loving Memory Of *MY* Purple Turtle♥´¯`♥

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with
voluptuous breasts. Nick, the Dragon Slayer, was obsessed with the Queen's
breasts, but knew that the penalty for ever acting on his desire would be
death.

One day, Nick revealed his secret desire to Horatio, who was the King's
chief Physician. Horatio, the Physician, said that he could arrange for
Nick, the Dragon Slayer, to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000
gold coins. Without pause, Nick, the Dragon Slayer, readily agreed to the
terms.

The next day, Horatio, the Physician, made a batch of itching powder and
poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon
after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being
summoned To the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio, the
Physician, informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had
shown that only the saliva of Nick, the Dragon Slayer, would work as the
antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick, the Dragon Slayer. Horatio, the Physician,
then slipped Nick, the Dragon Slayer, the antidote for the itching powder,
which he quickly put into his mouth For the next four hours, Nick worked
passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick, the Dragon Slayer,
left not only satisfied, but touted as a hero. Upon returning to his
chamber, Nick, the Dragon Slayer, found Horatio, the Physician, demanding
his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick,
the Dragon Slayer realized that Horatio, the Physician, could never report
this matter to the King, and so with a laugh, he told Horatio to take a
hike.

The next day, Horatio, the Physician, slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned......

..........Nick, the Dragon Slayer!

The moral of the story - Pay your bills!

Ain't it fun when you know that you're gonna die young?!!!

A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked.

The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".

The man then said "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on"

The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied ...."Your horse phoned"

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose - Jim Eillot

What to do in case of attack!!

This was sent to me by a friend - I laughed my ass off - seriously - I'm going to think about going to a doctor to have it reattached!!! Lovely Rita...thanks so much for this!!!

"Do or do not - there is no try!" - Yoda

I love this opic just so much... The stitch I have from laughing.

Frankly my dear, I don't give a darn.

Four southern ladies were sitting around having Bloody Marys and talking about how much their husbands loved them. The first one says, "My husband loves me so much that he bought me a diamond ring." But, of course, she was in such a hurry she forgot her rings, but all the women still said, "Oh, how nice." The second woman says, "Well, my husband loves me so much he got me a fur coat." But it was the middle of July and too hot to wear a coat, but still all the ladies said, "Oh, how nice." So then the third woman says, "Well, my husband loves me so much he bought me a Mercedes-Benz." And, of course, she was being chauffeured in the family Buick." So they all looked at the fourth woman and said, "Well, honey, how much does your husband love you?" She replied, "He loves me so much that he bought me lesson to a charm school so I could learn to say 'Oh, how nice' instead of sarcastically saying 'Oh, ya, right' after everything you ladies say."

Come to limelight looking at the togetherness for TWO has to do with Trust, understanding and above all Love!!! The togetherness of the Heart it come from any part of the world.....................What will i say?. so many people despises Lybia but is not all about Lybia is all about relating in the presence of truth, trust, understanding above all Love in the ground of verisimilitude can make a change.... plz holla back to see whats there.....

Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?"
The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and everyone of my husbands has passed away."
The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"
The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician."
And the other said, "Oh, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

Come to limelight looking at the togetherness for TWO has to do with Trust, understanding and above all Love!!! The togetherness of the Heart it come from any part of the world.....................What will i say?. so many people despises Lybia but is not all about Lybia is all about relating in the presence of truth, trust, understanding above all Love in the ground of verisimilitude can make a change.... plz holla back to see whats there.....

A little boy wanted $50 so badly to buy his Mom a special Christmas present, so he prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was so delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $45.00.

------

A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, "Please let me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man said, "Okay. I wish my 'old man' could nearly touch the floor." .. the crocodile bit off his legs.

------

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it? God says "no" and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she has another 30-40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

I love my past. I love my present. I'm not ashamed of what I've had, and I'm not sad because I have it no longer.