Things to do when you are dead... or... The inadvertant porn star!

So, it's 2am and it hit me once more that I could be dead by morning... I'm not sure what would kill me, maybe a passing car will hit a lamp post, sending it careering into my neighbours wall, upsetting her wasps nest... said wasps will then fill my house, and in my frantic attempts to escape their terrifying malice I'll trip and fall down the stairs...

With a broken leg I'll manage to call an ambulance, begin my journey to hospital only to get waylaid by a police speed trap.... The trap will spring, decapitating the paramedic and forcing his colleague to administer first aid.

During his frantic reattachment of the paramedic's head, no-one will notice the lack of handbrake on the ambulance, and it'll roll backwards, towards my home... Uncontrollably freewheeling until it collides with an escaped ostrich, causing a random causal effect, opening a breach in time... through which a large moon will fall, crushing me, the ostrich and the ambulance.

The subsequent deploying airbag will obviously scare a moon creature who will eat me alive in fright.

Anyway, with this in mind I began wondering about the loose ends I need to tie up, like lobbying the government for stricter controls on the deployment of speed traps.

What issues surrounding my life could cause embarrasment after my death? Well there are no hidden porn mags under my bed, though the array of ladies underwear I keep in a drawer beside the bedside table might just cause a little alarm - of course, they belong to my partner. Jeremy. jk!

But on the subject of porn... maybe it would be a good idea to delist my "teen porn" listing web page on MSN? I'm sure the News of The World will have great fun with that, "Dead Doof Was Porn Mad". Intruigingly there are no pictures in the page, just a little parody of an old song... (type teen porn on MSN Live Search, you'll find it Don't worry, unless you're a perv who already asked Live Search to allow X rated content you won't actually get any porn)

What other embarrassing things will trip my mourning family? Well, secretly I'm actually a fan of Steps. Their vibrant style and I don't give a damn passion was inspirational in my 80's revival years! Nope, I'm just kidding again... but I do have a couple of steps cd's. My doc reccomended I try stepping as an exercise, I gotta admit, I didn't lose weight. Nor did I intend to, when you're as forgetful as me, you find it difficult to deliberately lose anything! Now, where'd I put that mouse?

My MSN contact list has about 300 active people on it - and god knows how many inactives, who will inform them? Maybe I should designate a 'PMer' in my will, "And to you, Andrew, I leave my contact list." - What a chore, I should probably start telling them I'm dead already, what with the questions, sympathy and discussion - It'll take months to get through everyone.

I don't do mass-messages, so it would be inappropriate now that I'm thinking about dying.

What would I say, "Hi, just to let you know, I think I might be dead in the morning. Don't get too upset, it will be sudden and unexpected, and I won't know anything about it." erm... right doof... yes.

Isn't it strange what strikes you at the wee hours? Do we call them that cos thats when you're most at risk of waking up and needing to get up and ... well... empty ourselves? Just when you thought it was safe to get an early night!

So now a porn star, staring death in the face (I think, I don't actually know what death looks like, but from here he looks like an artexed ceiling desperately in need of a new coat of paint - one more embarrassing thing to cover up before my clogs go pop)....

I guess I should wander away and pretend I never wrote this...

If I should break my leg tonight, remind me NOT to call an ambulance!!!

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