Time Honoured Traditions

Thunk! Christmas landed heavily and unexpectedly this year, I know I know... It's the same date every year, I should be prepared, unfortunately I lose track of time and occasionally dates land on me like raindrops... July, August, January... No time doesn't travel through my world in series like any good maths teacher tells us... It just kinda touches down every once in a while, wreaking havoc and generally inducing panicked behaviour, like running in circles yelling "ACORN!" or backflips.

Actually in this case it induced a rather new behaviour, one I was unsure of and fairly convinced would cost me my sanity.

Last minute Christmas Shopping.

I swear that shoppers develop an extra pair of elbows and arms so long they can't control them. Walking from one store to the other was like doing 10 rounds with Mike Tyson, and I DID lose an ear.

Actually I didn't, but play along.

My youngest son was easy, he wanted a laptop and a mobile phone so he could be a web designer like his dad. Well he's six, so a second hand laptop and a cheap nokia solved that problem, then I showered him with inexpensive but great gifts like an intelligent money box, battleships the board game (A huge hit that takes every free moment I have) and a gift grabber machine just like at the fun fair...

My oldest much easier - "Money please dad..."

My daughter wanted a Nintendo DS... For that, we had to fight.

I left early that morning, carrying nothing but a sword and staff. After 20 minutes of hard combat I made my way to electronics aisle. A 32 year old mother of two stood before me, eyes seeping pure blood, her mouth, the venom of a billion rattlesnakes... I approached cautiously, hand upon my sword, staff firmly seated in the harness on my back... She circled the last DS in the aisle defensively before releasing an almightly wail and throwing herself headlong in my direction, 10 claws of steel glinting in the strip lighting.

I ducked and rolled, leaping to my feet behind her, the DS was in reach but temptation always carries a price, turning to meet the stare of my aggressor I ducked an impressive side-swipe, claws destroying the wall beside my head, chalk like dust showering me, finally I pulled the sword, its blade humming a gentle tone as the sheath released its smothering grip, alive with adrenalin I swang, losing my grip and sending the melodic weapon sailing through the air. I doubt Woolworths will miss Katie, she was a shelf stacker and all the shelves were empty....

Claws dug deep into my shoulder, her insane strength yanked me backwards, sending me sliding on my backside across the electronics aisle, crashing to a halt under a pile of Xbox 360's, quickly I was back on my feet, blood pouring from the wound on my shoulder. I grabbed the first thing that came to hand, a small child named Edward, and hurled him at my assailant and rival, she ducked too late, the full force of his screaming tantrum securing her to the floor. This was my chance to move, I grabbed the DS and ran to the checkout, beating those before me to death with a credit card.

DS secured and purchased I left the store, my rival screamed the scream of a menstrual banshee but never followed...

A week later, my daughter opened her DS only to discover that it didn't work, the screen was scratched, stylus bent and chewed, they'd sold me a returned item... How I seethed.

All the effort, all the work, the fight and blood... for little more than the disappointment of my princess.

Boxing day, I stood in the queue with many others who'd suffered a similar fate, reflectlng on the look of disappointment on my daughters face...

We have to wait until more come into stock, february... Can you imagine...

When I was young Christmas was tinged with the awe of the nativity, and the excitement of the unknown presents we'd receive, how things have changed, I can't help but wonder why Christmas has become a time of disappointment rather than celebration. I'm not a particularly christian person, from not a particularly christian family, my daughter and youngest son maintain their belief and I support them and help them to explore, but even that belief was secondary to the failure of her most treasured Christmas present to bring joy.

Next year I'm taking a cannon.

Not for the shoppers, but for the idiot retailers who can't get it right!!

Happy New Year everyone!!!

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