Funny lines...
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.
I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
Good guys are like public bathrooms, either full of crap or taken.
I like my women how I like my coffee, hot, strong and on the kitchen table.
I used to be an atheist, but then I realized I'm God.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
I'm a drunk, not an alcoholic. I don't go to those meetings.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me....
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Laughing is best Medicine.................
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I asked my wife where she wanted to go on our tenth anniversary. She said "Somewhere where I haven't been before." So I took her to the kitchen.
lol I also like "I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me...." 
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"If God wanted women to understand men, football would never have been created." - Roger Simon
"How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?"
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"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others" ~ Groucho Marx
I like this one : I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me....
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder but it sure makes the rest of you lonely...